5 Times You’ve Felt Like a Total Loser
Fancy yourself as a winner? Well, even if you do, there are moments when you just want to crawl into a hole and disappear because your self-esteem has been bludgeoned with the force of a 3-year-old throwing a tantrum. These are the moments when you've thought you're a complete zero.
Alone time is fine, but it’s NEVER fine when you spot your ex. In fact, the more people around you the better. The best possible scenario would have the capacity of Madison Square Garden around you. But when she’s strolling along with her new man and you’re by your lonesome in torn sweatpants and mustard on the corner of your lips while you’re waiting for the bus, you feel about as low as low can be.
There is no worse city to align your athletic hopes and dreams. Maybe you’ve been an Indians fan since birth or stuck it out through the dark LeBron-less days of the Cavaliers. Or maybe you put down a sawbuck on the Browns to cover the spread. You will lose because all Cleveland teams break your heart, whether you’re rooting for them out of loyalty or because you have money on them. It’s a scientific fact.
Through all the challenges you’ll face in your life, your mom will always be in your corner. Forget to walk the dog and he poops all over the carpet? She forgives you. Leave all your dishes in the sink? That’s okay. But lie to her about why you missed curfew? Oh boy. You feel as small as the period at the end of this sentence. You can’t let down your biggest supporter and will work with feverish dedication to get back in her good graces.
We’re not talking a ‘How I Met Your Mother’ rerun here. We’re talking a full-blown chick-drawing demo, like ‘Dance Moms,’ ‘Kim of Queens’ or any other show where a woman yells at kids like an angry customer who’s grown frustrated with the Shoney’s waitress for screwing up his order for a second time. You lose even more points if it was one of those Lifetime movies with Tracey Gold or someone like that in it because research has shown that taping Lifetime is gateway DVR'ing to Oxygen and WE and no one needs that.
You made what you thought was a witty geographical pop culture observation about how Kanye WEST's career is going SOUTH. You chuckled. Your co-worker in the next cubicle smiled when you tested it out on him. You put it on Facebook and Zuckerberg Nation responded with a deafening silence. Maybe you oughta rethink doing that open mic night at the coffee house.