Well, Bless Your Heart

If you know what those four words REALLY mean, then you my friend are from the south. No one has mastered the regional colloquialism like a born and bred southerner. These are the creators of the backhanded compliment, and the original shade throwers. There are thousands of sayings you'll only find a southerner saying, so I've complied some of our favorites here along with explanations for you Yankees who just don't get it! Bless your heart.

1
"Squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams."
Translation: "This is the cheapest guy you know."
We all have that one friend who will only order water at a restaurant and never buys you a gift over $10.
See also: William Shatner's toupee
2
"You're busier than a cat trying to bury poop on a marble floor."
Translation: Seriously, you're never going to get everything done in time.
See also: chicken with its head cut off.
3
"You’d call an alligator a lizard."
Translation: You're a liar. You also have a problem giving credit where credit is due.
Also see: Politician
4
"Colder than a banker's heart on foreclosure day at the widows' and orphans' home."
Translation: It's really, super freezing outside. Like, the coldest it has ever been.
See also..."Put a jacket on before you catch your death."
5
"Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!"
Translation: Something has genuinely surprised you. This is something that you never thought would happen.
See also: HOLY $#&@!!!
6
"You don't watch out, I'm gonna cream your corn."
Translation: "You have pushed someones buttons just enough that they aren't just gonna let it go anymore."
This would generally be your last and final warning.
Also see: "about to open a can of whoop-ass"
7
"If leather were brains, she/he wouldn't have enough to saddle a junebug."
Translation: You guessed it, a one dumb you-know-what. This is a one of a kind stupid.
OOOOOOHHH, they DUMB
Also see: Kanye West
8
"He's about as confused as a fart in a fan factory."
Translation: This guy doesn't have a clue what's going on. Seriously, "homie" has no idea.
Also see: Kardashian
9
"She's grinning like a possum eating a sweet potato."
Translation: pretty damn happy!
Those poor possums, they eat nothing but other road kill and insects for a living so image if they got their little paws on a sweet potato! It's just a wide smile that comes out of pure bliss.
Not to be confused with a "Botox smile", is the name given to a fake smile, in which only the zygomatic major muscle is voluntarily contracted to show politeness.
11
"I'm as fine as frog’s hair split four ways."
Translation: You are "sitting on top of the world."
You are feeling GOOOOOOD. It doesn't necessarily need to mean you're drunk, you could be sober as a judge and not have a care in the world.
Translation: "sober as a judge"...that's pretty sober! Unless you are referring to Judge Joe Brown.
12
"That stinks so bad it could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon."
It is literally the worst thing you have ever smelt in your life.
Refer to #8
13
"She's/He's about a useful as a screen door on a submarine."
Translation: "As in, not useful at all." This is basically the dumbest one of the bunch.
Once again, refer to #8
14
"She/He could start an argument in an empty house."
Translation: "This is someone who will fight anyone about anything. You can tell her the sky is blue, and she'll tell you it's green just for the sake of argument."
Also see...Bitch or a--hole
14
"I'm busier than a 2-dollar whore on nickel night."
Translation: I'm swamped.
"Just another day of running around picking up dry cleaning, grocery shopping, taking the kids to soccer practice..." but that's not as fun to say.
15
"Last time I saw you, you were knee-high to a grasshopper"
Translation: "I haven't seen you in quite a while"
This is normally uttered by an older man to a young family member. This is actually one of the most common expressions you'll come across on this list.
See also: "I haven't seen you in a month of Sundays"

Filed Under: coloquialism, Southern living, translation

Categories: Humor