Five More Terrible Movies You Can Skip
I think the most important thing I learned over the past 1+year of pandemic is a simple one. For every great instant classic movie, Hollywood spends a crazy amount of money putting out a lot more bad flicks. Maybe that's just the nature of how it works. In true "sell by volume" style, they put out as many products as possible hoping to score big on just that one big seller. Then again, maybe I've just grown into an entertainment comfort zone where anything outside of my specific interests is just boring. Sort of in the same way that Eyebrows Scorsese that hero movies aren't movies... I just assume he didn't like any of the Marvel flicks over the last twelve years, and his opinion is acceptable as his own opinion.
While I would love to pick apart a bunch of new terrible flicks, looking at you Tenet... so I don't accidentally throw you the spoilers, lets just pick out five random movies from the history of film people rave about, but you can ultimately skip because they are terrible.
In the mid-90's, as both Gen-X and Millennials grew into the burgeoning technology that was the internet, the web was just as mysterious as any other curiosity on the globe. Newbies were just learning how it worked, seasoned vets were having fun with the newbies learning. At least, every book on the subject from this point in time makes it seem this way. While this movie seems like the origin story of 1999's The Matrix, it's a total wash that just doesn't hold up in terms of seeing it today. The experience in watching it is akin to watching a home movie of your thirteenth birthday and experiencing that self-loathing cringe seeing yourself as you used to be. Hard pass.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you got your friends together to start a business you all knew nothing about? That sums up the DC cinematic experience throughout the history of time. Granted, there are a few great standouts, but overall, DC just can't make good entertainment beyond the pages of an illustrated book.
The few exceptions are the original 1991 Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Begins, and The Dark Knight. That's it. They've tried literally everything to capture magic on film, but for whatever reason, they just can't. That's not to say there's been some solid attempts to deliver the goods over the years in films like Suicide Squad, Catwoman, Aquaman, etc... but they always fall short. I think it's because every is essentially the same. They spend half the movie focused on yet another version of the same origin story, ten minutes fighting the bad guy, and twenty minutes setting up the next film. They're just bad movies.
You thought I was just slamming on grown up entertainment? Even in the movies geared towards the kiddos, there's still something for most adults to grasp in those flicks. Subtext and morals, the bigger story, sometimes a grown up easter egg, entertainment is entertainment. Name me one parent that didn't enjoy Pirates of the Caribbean 1, 2, & 3? Cars wasn't as lucky.
Cars rolled into theaters in 2006 with an entertaining story every person that's experienced growing up can connect with and enough laughs to keep the kids entertained. It was a new movie to build on the all-ages entertainment set forth by the Toy Story people... but Hollywood being Hollywood, Cars 2 was ordered by day four of the original Cars release for the sake of striking while the iron was hot and making a ton of money. They tried to replace a told story with fart jokes from the redneck Mater character, and while kids loved it, adults loathed it. Cars is still a good flick, and more shockingly, Cars 3 was pretty good too even thought the "woke" undertones were a little odd in what is essentially a kids movie.
It was the 1980's, Ernest P. Worrell was born as a TV commercial pitch man. You know the bug-eyed dude with the weird elbows that sells mattresses these days? That's what "Ernest" did back in the 80's. It was the golden age of the Dollar-a-Holler industry. Eventually, that pitchman persona grew into a kids Saturday morning TV show called "Her Vern, It's Ernest." Instant success.
Eventually, there was a call to the big screen, and in his debut film "Ernest Goes To Camp," it solidified Jim Varney as an iconic and beloved 80's character. Honestly, Ernest Goes To camp is still one of my top ten all time great movies... Every Ernest movie that followed that was ultimately a sad, pathetic, beyond childish grab at parents movie money. I'd rather watch Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen rap-dis their little sister Elizabeth again before seeing Ernest Goes To Jail, Saves Christmas, Scared Stupid, Rides Again, In The Army, Slam Dunks, Etc...
- Honorable Mention
I would watch Gal Gadot in anything for both her beauty and her acting talents. That being said, while she looks like an incredible Wonder Woman, the original 2017 release starts strong and ends with her character looking stupid. I know they were going for that doe in the headlights feel, but it just didn't play. DC Studios, go figure... but in trying to build on the popularity of the first film, Hollywood wrecked the sequel with a stupid story line, resurrection of the dead, and a transformed she-beast that could have played an extra in Cats. WW84 was probably the worst movie of the pandemic... a title Zack Snyder tried really hard to steal with his four-hour DC craptastic extended terrible story, but I'd suffer through it again before I hit play on WW84 anytime in the distant future.
Critter and I usually enjoy movie nights where we cook stuff on the grill and watch a movie one of us picked out. If you didn't know, Critter loves horrible B movies. Some of them are true cult classics like Evil Dead and Boondock Siants... Others lean more along the lines of Killer Fish... We're at the point in our fifteen year friendship where we intentionally pick out bad movies just to make the other suffer. Like a game of bad movie chicken, and Lucy was both my pick and a real standout.
Spoilers... as if you're going to watch this garbage anyway...
It's a simple movie of a good-time girl that goes from partying in Taipie to being abducted into the reluctant and forced roll of drug-mule for a Thai cartel. The synthetic drug leaks from the bag in her abdomen and gives her the power of mind control that culminates in her turning herself into a thumb-drive. It's the dumbest movie in the history of cinema. I would watch any other Ernest movie before I'd see this one again... but when you're play Terrible Movie Chicken with your bestie, you sacrifice a few hours of time for the win.